FROM MY CORNER

The Digital Wasteland

God himself, if he actually should exist beyond my disbelief in him, cannot fathom the thinking processes of the dorky geeky nerdy software programmers of the digital industry.

No other industry of mankind has every before attracted such weird people as those known as “software programmers.” They surely speak no language known to the human race.

I have, for example, a memory disk inserted in my Mac Laptop, which shows me a Video of myself speaking one of my commentaries that I commonly call, “From My Corner.”

The Video plays perfectly in my DVD Player. But, when I attempt to transfer it from my memory disk into my iMovie program in order to edit it, and send it to you, the trouble begins. No simple Icon exists called: “Transfer to IMovie For Editing.”

No, nothing as straightforward as that. Instead, some mysterious circumnavigation through an interminable maze of terms in computer English (which in no manner resembles American or English English) is required.

After literally hours, playing with the innumerable options of the iMovie software, I reach – – – absolutely nowhere. Every single variation possible gets me to – – – absolutely nowhere.

The only remaining option is some as-yet-undefined-and-completely-improbable digital connection: some utterly impossible combination of English words having no relevance whatsoever to each other at all.

I call a technical friend of mine for advice. He too, not knowing this software, is unable to assist me. He suggests I turn off my Mac and restart it. “This,” he assures me, “often works.”

No, it does not. I go online to seek training videos. All of them assure me that if I will follow instructions and push all the designated Icons, it will work. I do so. It does not.

Tens of thousands of hours. I have in several years, since the advent of the Internet and computers, spent tens, perhaps hundreds, of thousands of hours trying to understand the software and the minds of those creatures creating software.

To no avail. They must be from another planet. They are mental monsters. Crippled non-functioners. They are all pretending to know what they are doing. Or – more likely – are confidentially conning us.

I actually hope the Christian God exists. For if he does, then his opposing Devil does too. And he runs a Hellhole called Hell where all sinners are to go to. And my software programmers will eventually all be there. And will suffer eternally.

And I will finally gain adequate revenge for the wasted years of my life I have spent trying to make the computer dorks ever-unfathomable abortions work right. Success would be enough to make one convert.

AAAAAaaaaaaarrrrrgggggghhhh!

Hal

PS: My techy friend has agreed to our meeting later this week to try again to help me sort it out. Hang on! The long-promised Video version of “From My Corner” is on its way. . . I think.